I collect words like other people collect buttons or baseball cards and “resolution”, as in New Year’s resolution, is one of the best in my collection. It is derived from the Latin root “resolvere” which means to again loosen up, dissolve, or melt away. That is what we do each New Year. We try, by making a New Year’s resolution, to once again make our problems melt away!

Resolve can be used as a noun or a verb and has as many as 17 different meanings depending upon the context in which it is used! Each year at this time we resolve (analyze) our lives looking for some change we can make that will make us better people. We resolve (solve again) the problems which confront us. We resolve (reach a decision) to concentrate on our resolve (fixed intention or settled purpose) to make changes which we hope will resolve (transform) our life. If we stick to that resolve (fixed intention or settled purpose) with resolve (determination) then maybe … just maybe we can make some real changes in our lives.

Although emphasis upon change and improvement is increased at the beginning of the year, productive and emotionally healthy people make it an ongoing process not limited to New Year’s Eve. A worthwhile resolution for this New Year would be to teach our children how to resolve (bring to a conclusion) their own problems. As a child, when I was faced with a tough problem, my mother would sit back, fold her arms and firmly remind me that, “every tub must sit on its own bottom!” At the time, I didn’t think much of her advice! I didn’t realize that by stepping back and insisting that I solve my own problems she was helping me to accept that I, and only I was responsible for my life. As much as we would like to…we can’t solve problems for our children. If we attempt to do so, in the long run, we only make life more difficult for them. Although I didn’t appreciate her then, I have since been thankful that I had such a wise mother.

Although as a parent you can’t resolve (determine or decide) life for your children, you can help them learn how to resolve (break up into separate parts and analyze) their problems so that they can resolve (make clear and understand) the best course of action to take. When your children come to you with complaints about life’s (or their friends’) unfairness, remain calm…don’t be overcome with sympathy! Help them to retell what happened. What actions did they take? What actions did others take? How did their actions affect others? How could they have changed their own behavior? How would that have affected the situation? What are possible courses of action to prevent or deal with another occurrence? What course will they choose? What do they think will be the outcome?

That’s the easy part…now you must insist that they implement their solution with resolve (firm determination).   The first try might not resolve (melt away) the problem, they might have to try again and again. As they become adults, the ability to resolve (analyze and bring to a conclusion) their problems with resolve (determination) will take them further in life than all the help, assistance, relief, succor, support, aid, consolation, or solace, you can give them. Happy New Year!

Visions of sugarplums          

     More than 100 years ago, my great grandmother excitedly recorded in her diary that she had found oyster crackers to purchase as a surprise for the Christmas stockings.  She was delighted as she anticipated the pleasure of her children when they discovered this special treat.  Today’s children would certainly not consider oyster crackers a memorable holiday surprise! 

      Expectations of both children and their parents have multiplied since my great grandmother’s time.  Children expect to have every toy advertised and parents take it as their responsibility to see that their children have a perfect life.  Children are exposed, through TV, to an array of toys that my great grandmother could not have imagined.  Parents, wanting to make the holidays a perfect time, free of any disappointment or frustration, buy for their children every toy they request.  They shop until they are exhausted, do without themselves, and overspend their budget so badly that they must spend the rest of the year worrying about how to pay the bills.   If they cannot find or afford a requested toy they worry that they have ruined their child’s life forever.  This Christmas attitude does not make children happy.   It makes them greedy and prevents them from learning to deal appropriately with the disappointments and frustrations that are inevitable in life.   It makes parents so tired and stressed that they can’t enjoy their children. The holidays become a time of lost tempers, harsh words, stress, and worry.  

      It is important for parents to remember that it is part of their job to say “no” when children have unrealistic expectations.  As adults, we are lucky if we get even a small percentage of the material things we want and yet we try to give our children everything they ask for.  Is it wise or loving to raise our children with unrealistic expectations for the adult world? This holiday, instead of focusing upon extravagant gifts and flawless decorations, concentrate on spending time working together as a family.  Children would really rather have family times than perfection. If the children really can’t help in some part of the preparations, then talking with them and including them in the planning makes them feel a part of things.  As adults, they will recall times spent together not Hokey Pokey Elmo or Kasey the Kinderbot. Make sure that these memories are filled with hugs and laughter, not worries and harsh words. 

          When WRAPPING PRESENTS, choosing the correct size box or paper can be a real challenge to the youngsters. Give them scraps of paper or the Sunday funnies, blunt scissors, and lots of tape, and they can wrap the gifts for home exchange or they can wrap and decorate an empty box for grandma … grandmas like anything!

     If you are BAKING COOKIES, give them a small amount of dough to roll and cut out.  A soup can with the label torn off makes an extra rolling pin.  The results aren’t important, it’s the process that counts.  Let them do it their way.  If you have other kitchen work and need to keep them occupied, a squirt of shaving cream or dishwashing soap on a cookie sheet on a newspaper-covered floor will keep them busy for a long time.  The results are very washable.

     When it is time to DECORATE THE TREE, if you really can’t stand junior grade creativity, cut off a branch, stick it in a flowerpot of sand and let them do it all themselves.  They can make decorations, or use old or unbreakable ones.

    I would like to wish each Toddle Towne family a very individual Season’s Greetings.  Thank you for being a part of our lives.  I hope that your holiday celebration is a very special time for you and your family and that you build memories that will last for a lifetime!

Why Do They Do It?

Are there any parents who have not wrung their hands, pulled out their hair, and exclaimed, “What makes my child behave like this?”.  Rudolf Driekurs, a noted psychiatrist and child theorist had an answer to that question. He suggested that children, based upon misconceptions they have about themselves, behave in specific ways to obtain specific results.  Children, being smarter than adults, usually achieve their goals.  We give them just what they want, reinforcing and perpetuating the very behavior we think we are getting rid of.  With Driekurs’ help, parents can recognize a child’s goals and deal more productively with the misbehavior.

When a child nags, interrupts or demands things or assistance, his goal is attention. He is expressing his belief that he belongs only when he is being noticed or “helped”.  An automatic parental response is to get angry and scold or to maintain peace by giving in.  Instead of this response which reinforces and encourages the misbehavior, ignore the inappropriate behavior and make sure that you make a positive effort to look for and praise behavior which is pleasant and useful.  If you find it is difficult not to respond, go in the bathroom and shut the door until they go away!

In an effort to gain power a child may talk back, disagree, or argue especially in embarrassingly public places where she feels certain of winning.  This behavior expresses the belief that she is valuable only when in control or proving that no one can boss her.  This challenge to our parental authority makes arguing back or exerting our power the most natural response.  It also accommodates the child’s desire for a power-showdown.  A parent must firmly and calmly state the rule and remain in control of themselves and the situation.  Helping the child to find and verbalize other options for solving the problem and then allowing her to choose from the solutions provides a face-saving alternative.

A child exhibits a desire for revenge of real or imagined hurts when he is physically aggressive towards other children and their possessions.  He is expressing a belief that he is unlovable or that he belongs only when he is hurting others as he feels he has been hurt.  He seems to beg for punishment, pushing until the parent gives in and uses force.  It is important to avoid retaliating with force because it validates his view that hurting gives power.  A reminder that “I won’t let anyone hurt you and I won’t let you hurt anyone else.” may be effective.  An effort, no matter how difficult, should be made to find lovable traits in the child and to focus on them in unconflicted moments.

The child who gives up, cries, and refuses to try is expressing the belief that she is worthless and unlovable and can belong only when others feel sorry for her. She wants validation of her incompetence, agreement that she is worthless and that nothing should be expected of her.  This is an exasperating situation and parents often resort to ridicule and shaming in an effort to get the child to be more responsible and thereby unintentionally reinforce more of the same kind of behavior.  Try instead to recognize and praise one or two things that the child does do well.  Set up situations where the child is motivated to achieve.  “You may  watch TV when your socks are on.”  No discussion.  No help, scolding, or pleading, just a situation where nothing else happens until the child achieves.

When looked at from Driekurs’ perspective, a child’s misbehavior becomes more understandable and manageable.  Parents can look at it objectively and not as a personal attack.  Relax!  You now have a plan for positive action.