Why Do They Do It?

Are there any parents who have not wrung their hands, pulled out their hair, and exclaimed, “What makes my child behave like this?”.  Rudolf Driekurs, a noted psychiatrist and child theorist had an answer to that question. He suggested that children, based upon misconceptions they have about themselves, behave in specific ways to obtain specific results.  Children, being smarter than adults, usually achieve their goals.  We give them just what they want, reinforcing and perpetuating the very behavior we think we are getting rid of.  With Driekurs’ help, parents can recognize a child’s goals and deal more productively with the misbehavior.

When a child nags, interrupts or demands things or assistance, his goal is attention. He is expressing his belief that he belongs only when he is being noticed or “helped”.  An automatic parental response is to get angry and scold or to maintain peace by giving in.  Instead of this response which reinforces and encourages the misbehavior, ignore the inappropriate behavior and make sure that you make a positive effort to look for and praise behavior which is pleasant and useful.  If you find it is difficult not to respond, go in the bathroom and shut the door until they go away!

In an effort to gain power a child may talk back, disagree, or argue especially in embarrassingly public places where she feels certain of winning.  This behavior expresses the belief that she is valuable only when in control or proving that no one can boss her.  This challenge to our parental authority makes arguing back or exerting our power the most natural response.  It also accommodates the child’s desire for a power-showdown.  A parent must firmly and calmly state the rule and remain in control of themselves and the situation.  Helping the child to find and verbalize other options for solving the problem and then allowing her to choose from the solutions provides a face-saving alternative.

A child exhibits a desire for revenge of real or imagined hurts when he is physically aggressive towards other children and their possessions.  He is expressing a belief that he is unlovable or that he belongs only when he is hurting others as he feels he has been hurt.  He seems to beg for punishment, pushing until the parent gives in and uses force.  It is important to avoid retaliating with force because it validates his view that hurting gives power.  A reminder that “I won’t let anyone hurt you and I won’t let you hurt anyone else.” may be effective.  An effort, no matter how difficult, should be made to find lovable traits in the child and to focus on them in unconflicted moments.

The child who gives up, cries, and refuses to try is expressing the belief that she is worthless and unlovable and can belong only when others feel sorry for her. She wants validation of her incompetence, agreement that she is worthless and that nothing should be expected of her.  This is an exasperating situation and parents often resort to ridicule and shaming in an effort to get the child to be more responsible and thereby unintentionally reinforce more of the same kind of behavior.  Try instead to recognize and praise one or two things that the child does do well.  Set up situations where the child is motivated to achieve.  “You may  watch TV when your socks are on.”  No discussion.  No help, scolding, or pleading, just a situation where nothing else happens until the child achieves.

When looked at from Driekurs’ perspective, a child’s misbehavior becomes more understandable and manageable.  Parents can look at it objectively and not as a personal attack.  Relax!  You now have a plan for positive action.

Scrub-a-dub
Combine water play with some constructive accomplishments. You and the kids put on your bathing suits, get out scrub brushes, soap, and the hose. Work together to scrub down the patio furniture, the kitchen table, and chairs, or whatever needs to be cleaned. When everybody is tired and the worst of the dirt is off the furniture, rinse it and put on a coat of wax. Yes, you could do it faster and neater alone, but the object is to spend constructive time having fun with your children.

Heavenly Fireworks
We all watched the fireworks in July, but August brings natural fireworks. If your family stays up late around August 11 – 13, you can view the Perseid Meteor Shower. An average of 65 meteors will light up the sky each hour as they move towards the Earth. Viewing will start after dark, but the best show is after midnight. On any clear summer night, look for the big and little dipper.

Take a trip to the country vegetable stands and buy peas in the pod, or fresh green beans to prepare with your children. It will be a learning experience as well as a meal. Children are often unaware of the process that food goes through before it reaches the table. Even very young children can shell the peas or snap the beans. Cook them in salted water and add a little butter for seasoning. Children who have NEVER eaten peas or green beans may surprise you tonight!

Many of our activities will be done outside each day, check our daily themes.

We will be using the pirate’s treasure for many of our classifying activities, if you have any old “junk” jewelry which you could donate for our activities we would appreciate it. Also we will be using medicine droppers, sea shells, and rocks for many activities, If you have any of these to donate, we will put them to good use.

Children Declare Their Independence

Independence Day, or the Fourth of July, is an important day in the celebration of the history of our country. We commemorate with a day off work, picnics, fireworks and patriotic displays. Any adult can tell you the sequence of events that led to this celebration, England denied the colonies the right to make independent decisions and to take responsibility for their own actions. The result was rebellion, war and the severing of all relationships and ties.

Looking backward in history it is easy for us to see the mistakes that were made and to theorize about how the conflict could have been avoided. It is not quite so easy to look at our own family situations which parallel this historic event.

Parents, because they want to help their children be successful and avoid all disappointments, make decisions for their children and try to protect them from any unpleasant results. The inevitable consequence of all this “help” and “kindness” is rebellion and the destruction of family relationships. It starts very subtly with the “terrible twos” and continues through the dreaded teenage years.

There are no magical formulas but sharing in decision making and encouraging independence can avoid family conflicts at any age. For successful decision-making experiences, parents need to remember that there are still many choices which children should not be allowed to make.

Parents are still responsible for decisions that affect a child’s health and safety. Choices offered to young children should be specific and limited. “Which of these two outfits will you wear tomorrow?” “Would you rather have peas or green beans for supper?” As children get older the choices can be more complex and important. Along with allowing decision making and choice goes the responsibility to live with positive or negative results of the decision. This is a better teaching experience than all the lectures you can give. As parents, you can not give up the responsibility for many important life decisions, but, the next time there is a decision to be made, stop and consider, if it does not endanger their safety or health, let them make the decision for themselves and let them learn from the consequences.